GUEST COMMENTARY BY MITCH MACKAY OF EAST JORDAN
BRIDGE, WE HAVE A PROBLEM. The USS Enterprise is under attack. By the USS Constitution. Yes, you heard me right. We are being attacked by ourselves. Cap’n, this is unprecedented.
Well, Number One, get me a detailed rundown of the problem as soon as possible and we’ll see what can be done about this.
Aye, Cap’n. First of all, the Chief Engineer appears to be half-cocked, the rudder all corroded, the galley mate disheveled, and the warp drive firing on minus two cylinders. Something about policy being tweaked seems to be the crux of the matter, like, the ship’s actually under command of some alien presence.
What! I’m the Captain, isn’t that clear?
Yessir, but something else has taken charge of the ship. The adjustments are all off kilter, we can’t seem to balance the flight and the pattern course is not being followed, sort of going on its own directive. Very weird.
Look here, Number One, this is a high-tech vessel, not some eighteenth-century frigate. Can you not get back on track with the Cyber-Relativity Equilibriator?
Nossir, that’s dysfunctional. It’s like some alien forcefield has taken hold of the ship and even our old navigator Scotty couldn’t hold ‘er through this bombardment of atomic gravitational magnetism.
Say, Number One, you don’t suppose that rascal Q has been seen around here, do you?
Um, I dunno, sir, I’ll ask around. Doesn’t he always manifest to you on the Bridge?
Yes, I haven’t seen him though. Look around down there and get me that report ASAP. Q! Is this any of your mischief? Show yourself, you young rapscallion. Did your mother and father lose track of you again?
Well, hello, there, Captain Picard. May I call you Jean-Luc?
I believe you already have, Q. How have you been? Do you have anything to do with the odd course we seem to be on now? You’ve not summoned those BORG again, have you?
Now, why would I do that, Captain? You’ve already met them and had quite a party as I recall.
Um, yes, banished them to from they came. We don’t abide by that automaton lifestyle as do they.
If they’ve returned, it’s not my doing, Captain. I pledged my respect for you and crew heretofore.
Well, something’s evidently affecting our Equilibriator, throwing us off course and creating a bit of havoc. Q, I suspect you’ve allowed, inadvertently or intentionally, THE BORG back into our solar system. We’ve been on this STAR TREK for centuries now and have yet to find any throwbacks quite like that Cyborg race. They have no souls, no understanding, no conscience, no empathy for the individual. They are robotic, they’re zombie-like. What did you ever see in them?
Captain, if you recall, I didn’t summon them, I merely transported your ship to that far-flung galaxy for your entertainment and edification. I rather fancy myself a cosmic MC and like to set up meetings of the mind.
Well, I presume your parentage has since talked some sense into that juvenile notion, Q. I recall that episode well when they returned to pick you up and indeed they gave you a bit of a hard time of it.
Ah, but, Captain, I’ve grown some since then, I truly have, can you not see this?
Perhaps, Q, but the oddities of travel we are now experiencing have a definite character of some impish origin such as yours, and perhaps those BORG as well. If they are indeed nearby, can you banish them once again?
Yes, I could enact a forcefield sending them back across the endless universe to the far reaches of the cosmos where they wouldn’t be of concern to you, that is, if they are indeed hereabouts again.
Cap’n, why do you put up with this nonsense? Why don’t we just blast ‘em out of existence? And Q here while we’re at it?
First Mate, I must remind you and Q, and all sentient beings, that we are a peaceful race now. We do not take by force as once earthlings did. We live by science and reason now with a good helping of empathy and compassion. We and this cosmos we inhabit are as One and this is the way a beneficent Creator would have it regardless of one’s version of Genesis. In this we stake our claim to the journeys through the cosmos, galaxies and planets, come BORG or Mister Q here or Ferrangi, Romulan, or Klingon. The USS Constitution will serve as a model for peace and acceptance of all even when some do not respect our Prime Directive. Allowing Q to bring THE BORG to us was beyond my integrity to disallow. The USS CONSTITUTION shall prevail.