It just ain’t natural

Award winning humor columnist Benjamin Gohs presents the arguements against gay marriage--or does he?

By Benjamin J. Gohs, News Editor

Benjamin J. Gohs
Benjamin J. Gohs

Since my partner took the opportunity to drop his two cents on why he thinks homosexuals should be allowed to marry each other, I figured I would aim this week’s two minutes hate in the same direction and opine on why they shouldn’t be allowed to get married.

If you are easily offended I suggest you grab a box of tissues and the supplies necessary to construct boycott signs.

Here I’ve compiled my top 10 reasons why gay people should not be allowed to get married:

#10 – It’s against the Bible.
The gods of several dozen of history’s hundreds of religions have condemned homosexual acts—in writing, so you know it’s serious—and it is up to all able-bodied heterosexuals to inhibit the civil rights of these people because God is incapable of judging and sentencing them without our help.


#9 – Gay marriage is the gateway to unfathomable vileness.

After all, if you allow two women to marry today the next thing you know men will be wedding horses, dogs will be courting cats and your toaster will run away with that bag of raisin bagels in the back of the fridge. Think I’m exaggerating? You’ve seen all that strange bread going in and out of the toaster day after day. Rye, wheat, pumpernickel … even the occasional English muffin—it just ain’t natural.

#8 – Gays are terrible parents.
If you let these weirdos get married today they’re going to want to adopt Chinese babies tomorrow. And all we need are a bunch of dysfunctional communist toddlers running amok because Adam and Steve thought it would be trendy to have a kid. At least one million studies I read, but that are no longer available online, show that homosexuals are incapable of raising children. Nuff said.

#7 – It’s a matter of survival.
Since homosexuality is a choice, it is highly likely that, once gayness is widely accepted and gay marriage is legalized, most people will choose to become gay for its obvious benefits of looking fabulous, being really clean and having impeccable interior design skills. Within three generations this scourge would go from in the closet to global gayness of pandemic proportions. Scientists estimate that, by the year 2100, there will only be a small tribe of elderly—though well-dressed—gentlemen who spend mankind’s final days on this planet listening to Barbara Streisand albums and eating quiche.

#6 – It spreads diseases
While I don’t understand the physics involved, when gay people get too close to one another they emit a unique set of pheromones that, when combined, cause the common cold. Regardless of the propaganda spread by the lame-stream, elite, drive-by, liberal media, even looking at an infected gay can cause you to contract conditions like rickets and a fondness for Judy Garland.

#5 – It’s against traditional values.
Since gays are pure evil, they do not have the same motivations as the rest of us. While a heterosexual man goes to work to earn money to support his family, gay men only go to work to try to seduce straight men into the gay lifestyle. While straights believe in telling the truth, gays always lie. While good traditional families go on picnics on the Fourth of July, the gays spend the day eating bubble and squeak and saluting the French flag.

#4 –  It threatens traditional marriage.
Just like the moon affects the Earth’s tides, your neighbor’s marriage has a direct and profound effect on your marriage. If Bob and Lois up the street are fighting, then you and your wife will automatically begin to bicker. If your brother is cheating on his wife, you are much more likely to be unfaithful to yours. Worst of all are the rogue packs of gays roaming from village to village, burning marriage licenses and converting unwitting straights to their alternative, glittery lifestyle.

#3 – It’s unpatriotic.
As someone who believes in smaller and less intrusive government I just can’t support a move that would impinge my freedom to tell others how to live. Besides, how can we be expected to stand up to morally upright countries like Iran when they find out that, not only does America not give gays the death penalty—like Iran does—but we’ve given them civil rights like the ability to marry one another? The first step to Chinese boots on American soil is allowing light loafers to legislate.

#2 – Poisoning the gene pool.
If gays start marrying, the next thing you know they’ll start producing gay babies. The more gay babies we have, the more gay marriages there will be. The more gay marriages there are, the more gay babies we’ll have. Without the masculine features of a good heterosexual like Rock Hudson or the brilliant mind of a straight man like Oscar Wilde, we’ll be relegated to folks like Richard Simmons and Rip Taylor.

After all, no kid ever said: “When I grow up I want to be a hairdresser!”

#1 – It’s scary!
My lack of experience in dealing with friends and family members who are admittedly homosexual has caused unreasonable levels of fear to develop in my brain. My empathy deficit for people different than myself is caused by numerous influences but it is much simpler and more comfortable to lash out at them instead of engaging in the hard and scary act of introspection that I hope others would afford me. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I necessarily hate gay people; but, even if I wanted to support their right to live as they see fit, I would face ridicule from some of my friends, family and colleagues … and, sticking up for those without a voice just doesn’t seem worth it.

You think you’re offended?

Try to imagine living like a second-class citizen in your own country.